Be warned, this post will not be pleasant. I have run out of coffee in the house and the baby was up screaming for about an hour last night. I love my husband and kids and my life, I really really do. Sometimes I really just want to lock myself in the bathroom and cry for a few hours. Today is one of those days.
I’m tired. Very, very tired. Why?
- economy sucks & I’m hyper critical of not having money to the point where I get sick over spending money on things we need, like groceries or a new kitchen floor
- have not been on a vacation in almost 5 years and I really need a break (not that a vacation will stop the toddler from screaming or waking up during the night or laundry or meals or MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMY)
- my kitchen floor needs to be replaced because it is peeling up and is actually unsafe to walk on (and it will cost the same as two vacations, so that’s another decade of no vacations)
- husband’s car is shit – in my opinion (economy sucks so we really can’t replace it)
- my mom is gone on vacation for over two weeks (IN A WARM PLACE!) and I’m very jealous
- my toddler will not sleep through the night, and has now taken to *screaming* for a good part of the day
- I’m so tired that I fall asleep giving my kids baths or sitting at the kitchen table
- I’m sick to my stomach of picking up the same friggin’ toys and dishes 16 times a day
- I hate falling asleep at 8pm because I’m so wiped out
- I’m sick of feeling like all I do all day is clean up and still my house looks like a shithole
- I’m tired of not having any friends nearby that I can just call up and go out with or have over for a cup of coffee. Or the free time to do any of that.
- I miss being able to go to Curves and work out with women in their 70’s – it would be nice if there were women at least in their 40’s there. Oh well, I never get the chance to go anyway.
- I’m sick of being FAT. I said it. I AM FAT. I eat out of stress & loneliness, which means I’m eating junk all day long.
- I miss working outside the home but won’t / can’t put my kids in daycare.
- I would love to be able to work on projects around the house (like painting the bathroom since there is spackle on the wall from repairing water damage…) but the toddler doesn’t let me do **ANYTHING**
- I would love to be able to concentrate on some work projects from home, but I can’t even go to the bathroom by myself let alone sit for a few hours and work.
I don’t want pity or sympathy. I want someone to say “take the day/weekend off so you can be a human being again.” I want solutions. And a vacation. Maybe when my kids are both in college…