Why is there this huge divide between being happy and being thin? Rather, why is there such unhappiness in the process of getting thin (and healthy)? I was (am) happy being overweight and eating healthy foods that taste good in moderation. But I’ve got weight to lose because I don’t FEEL WELL being heavier. I didn’t get this way eating bags of chips every night, eating TastyKakes or living on fast food. I got this way by having two kids and getting older – neither of which I would change.
The only way to get rid of the weight for me is to cut out a good part of ‘white foods‘ like refined sugar, flour and starches. And exercise. I’ve had intentions of getting to the gym, but I honestly don’t have time to go sign up let alone attend. A lot of the problem with this all is that I’m HUNGRY. To keep my calorie intake at a level that will promote weight loss, I am hungry all the time. Even if I eat healthy things to get rid of the hunger, I either stop losing weight or gain weight. Am I destined to feel hungry all the time just to be thinner and healthier? What if I say *screw it* and choose to eat healthy, but in quantities that don’t leave me with a loudly growling belly all the time? I’ll be / stay heavy, that’s what. And with that comes health risks and pain. My knees are shot for a number of reasons, mainly because of all the skating I did as a teen and two knee surgeries. Losing weight takes strain off my already-failing knees and helps reduce the pain from other flair ups.
Yes, vanity is involved with what size I am, I won’t lie. I hate seeing full body photos of myself, it makes me ill. In my head I don’t look that big, and it’s very hard to accept it as truth. But more important I can’t walk down a flight of stairs without holding on to both handrails and stepping down sideways. Heels are a joke unless I’m on completely level ground. If I lose more weight and get thin, will it help? I have to think so. I’ve got other health issues in play, and losing weight helps all of it but doesn’t cure it.
What I’ve been wondering lately is if being in pain because of my knees is worse or being unhappy because I’m drastically limited on what I can eat. What is the lesser of two evils? I know the right answer, being healthy is the right choice. I am *so* unhappy in the process of getting healthy. Every food looks evil, every extra bite threatens to reverse progress. I’ve been MUCH heavier than I am now, but I also have lived most of my life as a thin person. Sometime (due to unreasonable and unbearable stress) I was *too* thin. I don’t know how to have a better ‘relationship’ with food because I really never saw a problem with it in the first place.
Looking around at the general public I have to think they don’t give a shit. They are, for lack of a more politically correct word, FAT. I’m soft in the middle, carrying more pounds than I’d like – but a lot of the people I see in my everyday life outside work are fat. You can be overweight to a point and be healthy, but these people don’t look healthy. Breaking out in sweat walking from the car to the Chinese buffet in the middle of winter, using electric carts to go shopping, or grocery carts full of Funyuns and Coke is not the cause or result of a healthy lifestyle.
Believe it or not I’m not saying it’s bad to be overweight, but it’s just not for me. I do have a bit of jealousy of truly overweight people. Someplace in the back of their brain they know eating and behaving the way they are is unhealthy, but they do it anyway. Sort of like smokers know it’s bad but overlook it for the immediate ‘bump’ of a cigarette. I want that level of indifference or ignorance. To just *eat* and not *care* or take responsibility. The problem with everything I do is that I think through the concenquences to the Nth degree. I know if I eat a bag of cheese puffs I will feel bad. I will be / stay overweight. I will be happy eating them.
I’m fairly goal-oriented, I want to get enough weight off so that the miles of walking at South By Southwest in March won’t cripple me. Problem is, I’m not easily phased by failure. Blame the entrepreneur in me, you need to fail a lot to get to the times you don’t. I just pick up and try again. When you’re trying to lose weight that means you lose the same 10 pounds over and over.
There have been so many times that I’ve wanted to just call for whatever magic pill was advertised on the radio and make this all go away. Wake up thin and able to sprint down a flight of stairs. To have the image in my head match what I see in pictures. To feel like ME, and not me in a fat-suit. I am unhappy ‘dieting’ and I am unhappy being overweight. I just don’t know how to go from Point A to Point B and be happy in the process.